As you know from
this post from last week, I've decided to take a more active role in finding friends in my new hometown. While I have plenty of friends across the country, my goal is to find a handful of friends in Minneapolis that I can call when I need a girls night or just someone to gab with.
Right around the time that I moved to Minneapolis, I heard about a book (from a fellow blogger who has also moved to a new city) called
MWF seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend. This couldn't have been any more perfect if I'd written it myself.
What better way to get jazzed up about making new friends (and probably making a fool out of myself in the process) than reading about someone else
just like me!
The author, Rachel Bertsche is a twenty-something married woman who moved to a new city with her husband. Two years in, Rachel finds herself with plenty of acquaintances, but no close friends other than her husband.
(Wow, this is all starting to sound eerily similar...). So this is when Rachel decides that she is going to get off the couch and go find some girlfriends.
She starts by researching friendship. What does friendship mean? What are the emotional and physical benefits of having close friends at a close distance to where you live? How do you make friend as an adult? What's the right way (or place!) to ask a new friend on a friend-date? Is there a quota on the number of friends someone should have?
And because I loved this book so much, I'm going to share some of her findings.
Rachel starts out by learning that there are four different types of friendships.
- The acquaintance; someone you'd chat with on the street or at a cafe, who gives you a sense of belonging. You should have anywhere between 10-100 acquaintances.
- The casual friend; a 'grab lunch' pal who often serves a specific purpose such as a running partner. You should have 10-50 casuals.
- The close buddy; an intimate, trustworthy comrade you can say anything to. You should have 5-10 close friends.
- The lifer, who's as deep and forever as family. You should have 3-5 lifers.
She then talks about the Dunbar Number, which was developed by a British anthropologist to describe the number of relationships a human brain can maintain. This number is 150.
So here, being the list-maker that I am, I divvied my current friend list up between the four types of friendships that Rachel describes, then added them up. I have 55 friends and only three in my city!!
Boy, I've got some work to do.
Rachel's list came to 130. So in an effort to fill the 20 vacancies in her friendship circle, she took us along on her journey of 52 girlfriend dates in 1 year. She recounts her awkward first dates at the beginning of the year and how self conscious she was about everything she said and did. Do you hug on a girlfriend date? Do you tell your date that you're looking for new friends, or do you play it cool?
Her stories were a combination of hilarious and entirely relatable. I find myself thinking and acting exactly as Rachel did early in the book. And through the experience she grows and gains her confidence. She starts to learn what she's looking for in the perfect friend, and she starts putting herself out there and learns that being vulnerable is the best way to truly meet new people.
In the end, she found herself with a pretty amazing social circle. While none of the new friends will ever replace her
best friends that live across the country, they are a perfect fit in her life and she is happier because of them. And who knows, maybe one day one of these new girls could fall into her Lifer category.
I give this book five stars. It was a great motivator to start my own quest, as well as a self-esteem booster to know that other normal, fun & awesome girls are in the same situation as me!
So, if you're like me and have recently moved to a new city, I would highly recommend reading this book for a little friendship motivation.
